Because I value feedback from the readers of my blogs, I ran Women's Polls on three of my blogs during the month of November. More than 300 women participated. Some of the results were surprising, while others, because of my counseling experience with women, were not. Like all polls, I picked the questions based on what I knew to be the most important issues for women: divorce, abuse, and stress.
Christian Divorcee Poll
I asked readers what the most difficult issues were dealing with life as divorced women. In my attempt to be fair, I allowed each participant to pick multiple issues. They did not have to be Christian believers to participate.
32% said explaining the circumstances of the divorce to relatives, including children was most difficult.
52% said fear of living life alone was the worst part of divorce, even if they had children.
57% said a lack of motivation was holding them back from getting on with "a new kind of normal".
67% said they were having trouble trusting God again. They had prayed for their marriages, tried to do everything they could to be loving wives, and still, they were divorced.
75% said they felt totally out of place in social situations. They had been part of a couple so long they didn't know how to be single.
80% said that dealing with loneliness was the biggest hurdle they had to jump.
I concluded from this poll that divorce hurts women regardless of the circumstances, notwithstanding the available support systems available. It didn't seem to matter who had filed for divorce. The aftershock was the same.
Women Who Had Been Abused Poll
On the poll for women who had been abused, either as children or as adults, these were the results. They were not what I expected.
Only 48% said they were sexually abused. I wondered if that number was low because some of the women have repressed those memories. All indications suggest that number should be much higher.
48% said they were physically abused. This number would include "mild" abuse and "severe" abuse.
52% said at least one of their parents were alcoholics. That number made sense to me. For years I lectured in Universities on the predisposing factors for child abuse, and alcohol or drug abuse was #5 on the list of ten.
73% said they had been emotionally abused. I have ambivalent feelings about "emotional abuse" since it could be anything from saying "no" to stripping one's will to live.
But the category that did not surprise me - the 100% category - was that every woman who claimed to have experienced abuse in their lifetime had been divorced at least one time! Yes! That's the essence of my book God's Battered Child! The effects of child abuse are long-lasting!
The abused boy or girl usually grows up and picks a partner who will keep that dynamic going: that same dynamic he or she experienced with the abusing parent! It's called "Repetition Compulsion" and it has made thousands of counselors (both adequate and inadequate ones) busier and wealthier. How I wish I could make young parents understand this simple principle: How you treat your child will determine the choices your child makes for a long, long time.
Women's Greatest Challenge Poll
And last, I wanted to know the greatest challenges that women face. This applied to all women whether they were divorced, or had been abused, or had escaped all of that. I was, again, surprised by some of the results.
46% said getting everything done was their biggest challenge. I thought that number would be higher since that seems to be what I hear about the most.
49% said they didn't feel fit, feminine, or sexy. OK! Thank you, Hollywood propaganda machine!
60% said their biggest problem was dealing with past issues. I thought that sounded right.
68% said they couldn't find time for themselves. This confused me since only 46% said they had difficulty getting everything done.
A whopping 95% said they didn't have time for "quiet time with God". I really pondered this result, and I wondered how many of the other categories would have had smaller numbers if these women started their day with God in the quiet of the morning.
© 2007 April Lorier
April Lorier is an award-winning poet, writer, Author, Christian Speaker, Columnist, and former music teacher.
As a pastor's daughter and a survivor of severe child abuse, April Lorier has an intimate knowledge of child abuse in and out of the church. She founded COPE, Inc, for the retraining of abusive parents. Her testimony before the CA State Legislature helped with the passage of The Child Abuse and Neglect Reporting Act (CANRA), signed by Ronald Reagan.
Her autobiography, "GOD'S BATTERED CHILD: Journey from Abuse to Leader" (2007) is available at Amazon, B & Nobles, Target and at gods-girl.com
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